Teasing vs. bullying

Readers are encouraged to review a previous article where I first described the difference between
bullying and “peer challenges.”

Click to access Bullying-vs-challenge.pdf

Peer challenges are constructive confrontations by one person intended to test the strength of the other. They can reinforce relationships by demonstrating its strength in the face of good natured teasing. “Endearment teasing” tests with the goal of strengthening the relationship.
“Come on slowpoke.” “Ok Michael Jordan, let’s see you stop this shot!”
“Influence teasing” intends to change a valued person’s behaviour by showing disapproval. This is conflict with dispute at its centre. While an adult might say, “Jason, your crying like this does not help,” a peer might say, “Ok cry baby, stop your bawling and whining.”
The goal of influence teasing is behaviour change.
In both forms of peer challenges, a child might retreat to an adult and complain that he or she is being “bullied.”
Bullying, however , is predatory. The focus of bullying is not to strengthen the relationship or change the other person’s behaviour to make him or her more acceptable. The goal of bulling is humiliation and subjugation. The focus is not on friendship but on the self-gratification of the person doing the bullying.
Understanding the difference between these two forms of conflict is critical. With peer challenges we might want a child to develop a thicker skin. Bullying, however, should NEVER be ignored. Cruelty should be recognized for the misery it causes and should never be dismissed as teasing.

Don’t ignore the signals….

Have you noticed that your once happy child is moody, depressed or just not himself? Have you sought help from professionals only to be told that it’s “normal” for teen behaviour or that bullying is a “Right of Passage”? Parents today are often left in the dark when it comes to understanding the school environment they send their children into every day. Or what avenues to take when they realize their child is being bullied. Few understand the devastating, long-lasting effects that bullying can have on a child’s psyche.
Children have very few rights of protection from harassment on school grounds such as those adults enjoy in the workplace. Yet bullies do have protection of anonymity, even more so than adults. So who flourishes under our current system? No, bullying does not toughen up our children. It causes serious psychological damage that goes on to affect many. Neither school administrators, parents or psychologists are well versed in how to identify, prevent and intervene in bullying episodes. Our children deserve better, both the bullies and the targets.

From teasing to bullying

Recognizing peer group control
Forging a relationship with peers is not accomplished without the heat of conflict, especially during the late elementary school years. During the first two-thirds of elementary school, children developed close friendships within groups that had permeable boundaries for belonging. In late elementary and middle school, the structure of the peer group becomes much more complicated. The need to belong to a group can be intense.
The boundaries of membership become more rigid. Inclusion can be more difficult to achieve and exclusion can be more painful than during middle elementary school.
Members of the peer group will become more emphatic as to what is expected for inclusion. As much as we may want all children to just get along, control becomes an integral part of peer group development. This control becomes apparent in two ways. First, there is the test. Friends will tease and challenge each other, prod each other to
test weaknesses. Overcoming these little confrontations is part of that test. Second, there is the dispute. The dispute is a form of group discipline. A member who deviates from behaviour that is expected will face playful criticism that could escalate to isolation and rejection. This is a complicated dynamic that could evolve differently between boy’s and girl’s peer groups.
Both the test and the dispute are peer challenges.
(Charles A. Smith, Ph.D. Kansas State University)
The content of this fact sheet is subject to revision at any time. For the most recent version, check the website.
http://www.theringofvalor.com
If you have any questions or comments, you can contact the author at casmith@ksu.edu.

President Obama explained it this way:

“If there’s one goal of this conference, it’s to dispel the myth that bullying is just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up.  It’s not.”

Solutions…

Think of bullying as a three-legged stool propped up by the bully, the victim, and the audience.
If any of the three legs is removed, the stool collapses. Our task as parents and teachers is threefold: to eliminate the bullying, to help targets from becoming victims, and to hold those who witness the bullying accountable for intervening when the target is unable to defend against the personal assault.
Bullies are often victims of bullies at home or in their neighbourhoods. They cause misery because of their own emotional stew of rage and pain. We should avoid labelling any child as a “bully” because such labels make us blind to painful causes underlying the bullying and cynical about the opportunities for change. Once we become something, for example, how can we do anything different?
Targets are often selected by the bully because they stand out in some way. They might be new kids at school, have families unlike the families of other children, or have noticeable physical features that make them different. Although children may be unable to avoid becoming a target, they can take action to avoid becoming victims.
The spectators to bullying have a choice too. Will their passivity be interpreted as approval by the bully? Or worse, will they encourage the bullying? Spectators should become witnesses who will stand by the victim when necessary. (All educational programs and materials available without discrimination on the basis of race, colour, national origin, sex, age, or disability. Kansas State University, County Extension Councils, Extension
Districts, and the U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating.)

Definition of Bullying…

Bullying is a conscious, wilful, and deliberately hostile (but not criminal) activity intended to
harm, induce fear through the threat of further aggression, and create terror. (adapted from
Coloroso, The bully, the bullied, and the bystander, Harper, 2003).
Not all conflict between children is bullying. All children face peer challenges that test their resolve as they grow up. The purpose of these peer challenges is to influence the child’s behaviour to be more acceptable (for example, to not cry when losing).
True bullying is predatory and destructive in nature. Its purpose is to humiliate and degrade another especially in front of peers.
The goal of preschool aggression is personal gain not the destruction of the other person’s self-respect. Preschool children are incapable of the required predatory intent that is the basis of bullying. They do not dominate and hurt to win the approval of onlookers. Grade-schoolers, however, are capable of bullying because they can see the world from the perspective of both the audience and the target.
True bullying has horrible consequences. It diminishes self-respect, increases isolation, truancy, and violence by targets. True bullying is not “kids being kids.” Although we might (and probably should) give a target the opportunity to stand up for him or herself, we must remain aware and vigilant when normal peer challenges deteriorate into predatory bullying.

Don’t stay neutral…

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
― Desmond Tutu

C2BK – United Nations Convention of the Rights of the Child

Some news and support from the USA’s National Association of People Against Bullying:
“It is our understanding that the wise leadership of the Republic of South Africa has signed and ratified the United Nations Convention of the Rights of the Child, thus agreeing to honour, comply with and be bound by it. The CRC of 1989 ensures that all children under the age of eighteen, without discrimination of any sort, are protected from harassment; protected from physical or mental violence, injury or abuse, neglect, maltreatment including sexual abuse or harassment; benefit from special protection measures and assistance; can develop their personalities, abilities and talents to their fullest potential; can grow up in an environment of happiness, love and understanding. All of the nations are required to come before the U.N. In Geneva and report their findings and progress. The U.N. Committee reviews these reports and encourages countries to take special measures and to develop special institutions for the promotion and protection of children’s rights.

To this end, it would appear than any reluctance to allow children to form a collaborative group among themselves for the sole purpose of promoting peace, anti-abuse and anti-harassment would be invalid and in direct opposition to the United Nations Convention.

We look forward to supporting South Africa and its schools, as well as other countries including the USA, to become a more peaceful, nurturing place for our children to learn and grow in harmony, free from the fear of abuse or violence.”
This letter was written to the premier of the Western Cape with regards to starting C2BK cells in our schools: “COOL 2 BE KIND”… A student initiative to start tackling bullying in schools. Let’s support this cause!

“Bullying statistics in SA schools is shocking”

South Africa is the country with the highest bullying rate for the grade 4 age group in the world according to Progress in International Reading Literacy Study (PIRLS). An estimated 55 per cent of grade 4 pupils in South Africa are bullied on a regular basis.

Bullying can threaten students’ physical and emotional safety at school and can negatively impact their ability to learn. The best way to address bullying is to stop it before it starts. There are a number of things school staff can do to make schools safer and prevent bullying.

Getting Started

Assess school prevention and intervention efforts around student behaviour, including substance use and violence. You may be able to build upon them or integrate bullying prevention strategies. Many programs help address the same protective and risk factors that bullying programs do.

Assess Bullying in Your School  

Conduct assessments in your school to determine how often bullying occurs, where it happens, how students and adults intervene, and whether your prevention efforts are working.

Engage Parents and Youth  

It is important for everyone in the community to work together to send a unified message against bullying. Launch an awareness campaign to make the objectives known to the school, parents, and community members. Establish a school safety committee or task force to plan, implement, and evaluate your school’s bullying prevention program.

Create Policies and Rules  

Create a mission statement, code of conduct, school-wide rules, and a bullying reporting system. These establish a climate in which bullying is not acceptable. Disseminate and communicate widely.

Think this one through…

“What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life?”
― Lynette Mather